Back from the brink

At times like this I’m my own worst enemy
Why did my inner demons come out to play?
To dither and scold
To time waste and wallow
To tie my hands and mind as time ticked away

On the losing side of life’s tug of war
My confidence stumbled and fell
To unanswered emails and unfinished writing
Sink full of dishes and work tasks piling
A sense of defeat was difficult to quell

Why haven’t I
Migrated this blog
Made those homemade rusks
Written that novel I’ve been brewing
Pressed flowers with LLC
Mailed my already overdue cards
Planted some vegetables in the garden
And on and on and on.........

And why does everyone else
Seem so much more creative, crafty and put together than me?
And how does everyone else
Find the time?
Maybe they just get on with things and be?

I shouldn’t compare
But sometimes I do
I should take more productive action
Not get lost in futile, thought
That thwarts progress and leaves me to stew

Then I hear her
“Mamamamamama”
Then I see her
A drunken run
Then I come up for air
From my inner doldrums
And she hugs me tight
And brings me back to reality

Reminds me of what I have achieved
And all I have to give
As a woman in my own right
As a positive example for her
If I’d just get on and live

***

After all, we are in the process of buying a new house, I was recently paid a nice compliment by my boss following some successes at work, Chris was thrilled with the birthday card LLC and I finger painted for him and LLC and I managed to make it back to the pool this week for a swim together. Life is good and I won’t lose sight of that.

Maybe it was just one of those days?

Inadequate Mother Syndrome

When inadequate mother syndrome strikes I want to bang my head against the wall. In these moments of madness, my heart tells me I’m being stupid but my head just won’t listen and is up for a battle.

Maybe it’s a beginning of the year thing. I take stock of all my “failed to achieves” for 2010 and get overwhelmed about all my goals for 2011. I start to wonder if my time with LLC is 'quality’ enough or more a fraught balancing act of play, laundry and work emails while she naps. On the days I'm not at work, why can’t I get more done, why am I so slow, if I was quicker with my "daily grind" I would have more time just with her without worrying about washing up at the same time. And how do “power moms” seem to achieve “so much” be it at home and/or in the workplace and/or personally as women when I struggle to complete my weekly to do lists?

Okay, now that’s off my chest. This is when I tell myself to get a grip and cut the drivel. Because it’s exactly times like this when I feel down and out and get lost in pointless comparison that I end up wasting perfectly good time that I could be doing something more productive with.

If I know the solution why is it hard to put this into practice? Do I have some sick inclination to knock my confidence? No, I don’t think so. I think I’m just used to focusing more on what I haven’t done than what I have achieved.

But on this dreary February night I’m pleased to say that I’m feeling more empowered. I’m feeling more proud. I’m stepping back from all this white noise in my head and remembering all the things that I do achieve, all the things that create my now balance, all the things that, even if seemingly simple, refute my claims to inadequate mom syndrome.

Alice at Alice’s Adventures into Motherland tagged me in a seven secrets meme so in the context of this post, I’m going to share seven reasons why I’m not doing too bad as a mom all around rather than just seven plain old secrets about me. Then I can go back and read it when I’m being an idiot!

• LLC and I have read together every day of her life – even though I hadn’t been indulging in my love of books until recently, hopefully I’ve helped her discover the joy of reading.
• I dance a lot with LLC. With and for her. We put on Heart or Capital swirl around. Thankfully my lounge is at the back of the house away from public windows!  That must be good for the soul!
• I cook all the time for LLC and try hard to help her eat good food. Tonight I spent stewing apple and making chicken balls....
• I work part-time, partly from home, which requires discipline and autonomy. I take pride in my work and hope this strong work ethic will be apparent to and rub off on LLC in time.
• My house is in reasonably clean and in working order. I try to do a bit every day to keep it that way. I hate cleaning the bathroom but I do it every week. I sweep the floors. It’s presentable, and I should get some credit for keeping it that way (with Chris’ help too).
• I run. I did a half marathon last autumn in LLC’s first year. I write. I wish I blogged more but I write more than I ever did. I have ideas for a novel, and a children’s book. I have a lot to give and I'm slowly but surely taking action on the ideas in my head.  This blog is a testament to that.
• I talk to LLC about anything and everything. When we are together I always take time to explain our actions and why we can or can’t do something. I always try to help her learn (whether we are playing with flour or her shape sorting bus or reading her table mat of the USA) and every day make her laugh too. I guess I deserve some credit for that.

Do you ever suffer from inadequate mom syndrome and how do you re-gain perspective?

Christmas Wish Granted

Now that I’m approaching 30, now that I’m an adult, now that I have LLC I feel like I should feel like a grown up. But I don’t always. I don’t feel that different now from how I felt ten years ago, and sometimes, I feel like an overwhelmed kid who needs taking care of.

The run up to Christmas was a little hectic in our house. LLC, champion acrobat that she is, managed to catapult herself off our bed while Chris and my backs were turned. Although she seemed herself in the aftermath, a few vomits, several hours of worrying and a call to NHS Direct later, we found ourselves in A&E at midnight with a woken, tired and un-amused LLC to check that she didn’t have a concussion.

A&E was a total bastion of pestilence and the wait to see a doctor was over four hours so when LLC’s initial examination by a nurse proved okay, we decided to take her home and “observe her” rather than wait the entire night to see a doctor.

Importantly, she ended up being fine. Her throwing up was most likely due to a contracting a bug than banging her head. But it took night observation, a late drop off at the childminder, a rushed 6pm visit to the doctor when she threw up her dinner the next day (only to again be told she did not seem concussed) and a frantic dash home from London the following day because she had diarrhea at the childminder’s before we got there. Meanwhile we were trying to prepare for our imminent departure to NY for Christmas.

What we faced wasn’t even that bad but in the moment it was stressful. My demons about being a clued in parent reared their head – should we have taken LLC to the hospital to have her checked right after her fall? Were we nuts to get her out of bed at midnight to bring her to the hospital only to leave? Was it all a slight overreaction or am I crazy to even consider that since you don’t want to gamble with your child’s health? Even though she seemed fine, should we have left her with the childminder the next two days (my last two days of work before a vacation)?

This may all be the reality of caring for a little one but I’m still a fairly new parent and it revved me up a bit. I think I am level headed and that my judgment is sound but I want to feel like when these things crop up I can take care of them and take care of them well without feeling like a bleary eyed nutter in adrenaline fueled haze.

All I wanted at this point was to enjoy a weekend break with Chris’ folks and then catch our flight to NY. The weather and Heathrow airport had other ideas, however, and like so many others, the pre-Christmas UK snow threw our travel plans into disarray. We were supposed to fly on Monday 20th but the flight was cancelled, the airport and airline call centers were in pandemonium and our chances of getting another flight before Christmas seemed slim. I was so disappointed. I hadn’t been home to NY since October 09 when I lost my voice and couldn’t even talk the whole visit and I desperately wanted to see my family and friends. I think I started banging my hands on my head as we drove away from the airport.

But as I said at the start of this post, I’m an adult and I needed to act like one and put it in perspective. So we drove back to Chris’ folks, went straight online and after several attempts managed to book a new flight to NY for Christmas Eve. We took some walks on the cold beach, went to see Harry Potter at the movies, and enjoyed a night out at the pub with Chris’ brother. We started to chill and relax; Chris' folks gave us lots of extra support with LLC. The bleary eyed monster retreated and I started to feel refreshed and calmer again as the week progressed.

Then finally, at about 8:30pm Christmas Eve, our flight touched down at JFK and we breathed a collective sigh of relief. (Flying with LLC will be the topic of a later blog post). So we made it! My Christmas wish was granted! I’ve been spending time with those I care about, I’ve been largely off the computer, LLC is excited to have a whole new world to explore and she's definitely getting a lot of love and attention….

This has been our most amazing and testing year but I am so thankful to be where we are. It’s crazy to think that LLC is almost one. And as a parent I realize that I’m often clueless, not immune from making mistakes and constantly learning…..but even with the setbacks, I think overall I’m doing it with more confidence, conviction and love each day. So next time I get stressed I have to remember this.

Happy holidays everyone.

I don't deal well with change

Change. I don't like it. Well, it depends on the type of change. Having LLC was a wonderful change. Every new skill she develops is an exciting change. Winning the lottery would be a welcome change (provided Chris and I don't argue about what to do with the proceeds).

Maybe it's not change that I can't handle, it's more 'that which disrupts the order of my day.' I've blogged about how I'm not partial to strict routines, but that I do like to have a rhythm of sorts. It helps me get in my daily groove. Things like knowing how long it would take me to walk from the train station to the office put me at ease. These days knowing when LLC has her milk, or takes her nap are planned stops on my daily journey.

I'm probably coming across all anal here but I don't think I'm totally alone, at least in the parenting world. I know few mothers that haven't spent some time counting the hours between one feed to the next, or trying to work out how weaning will affect their baby's milk feeds and nap-times. My experience has been that LLC's patterns will shift naturally as she grows, that her cues will become apparent as she develops and that I don't need to spend all this time thinking about how our 'routine' will potentially shift. Yet I still do. I have trouble switching off from this.

At the moment, LLC's morning nap, that I could always count on for things like taking a shower, blogging, emailing, tidying up the house, fitting in some work, is getting later and later. So my mind is going a hundred miles a minute....is it going to drop? Should I let her sleep in the late morning? Will this mean she won't nap in the afternoon but will then get tired right before dinner? Should I see if she will hold out past lunch and then have a long afternoon nap? Am I nuts? Yes, I think so.

I tell myself I need to take things day by day....that LLC is in a prime growth phase, and that with that our patterns will shift and may shift gradually. Now I just need to take my own advice. Ahhh, I need a lesson in chilling out and going with the flow. Anyone?

Separation Anxiety - For Me, Not LLC....

This past week LLC spent her first full days with the childminder (CM) while I went to work. Everything went well for both of us, at face value, that is.

Our CM is lovely and I feel very confident leaving LLC in her care. Creative, caring and engaged, I can tell that she is dedicated to her charges and will be a stimulating and kind influence on my little one.

LLC parted company from me with a smile and a babble both days. There were no tears, from her, or from me. She treated me to big gummy grins when I collected her and the CM wrote detailed and amusing updates on her daily activities, nap length and poop color included. From these I learned that LLC more or less kept to her usual nap and eating patterns and enjoyed playing with stacking blocks and a squeaky toy. The CM observed her capacity to study and play with an object for long periods of time, and her joy of weight bearing on her sturdy legs. I see all these as signs of LLC happy and at ease, doing her regular thing.

Meanwhile, I had a couple of productive days in the adult working world. It’s encouraging to see that I still have it in me. It’s early days, but I feel positive about my work/life balance, and fortunate to have secured working arrangement that allows me to continue with a job I’m good at while not sacrificing too much time with LLC. I don’t think that returning to work full-time stops a mother from bonding with her kids but I do know that my mom was home with me full-time, and this has always impacted on my desire to have time at home with my children once I started a family.

So why did I feel so tied up inside this last week? Why did I develop such bad stomach cramps the day before leaving LLC with the CM that I needed to cancel going for coffee with my NCT friends? Why did I feel generally not right?

I thought it was because I ate some dodgy cheese the day of the NCT coffee. I thought it was because I stayed up really late and had had a few busy days of late. But stepping back from it all this weekend I realize that it probably wasn’t any of this (though I do need to go to bed earlier).

I think, more likely, I’m a little stressed about starting work, leaving LLC, keeping on top of the house while making sure I spend enough time with her, finding a new balance and doing it all justice. I'm sure I'll get there but maybe I took it for granted that this shift will take some getting used to.  Deep breath.

Let's Hear it for the Golden Arches

Last Friday I was eyeing the LK Bennett at Royal Exchange Buildings, debating whether or not to ask one of the busy City people or shop assistants for help hauling LLC’s stroller into the shop when it hit me – I really needed to pee! There was no way I was going into that shop; I had to find a bathroom and stat.

Why I invited the inevitable by failing to use the bathroom before leaving lunch with my two friends is beyond me because when I need to go, I need to go! This seems to be an annoying trait that I’ve carried with me from pregnancy. Fortunately many a train journey exercising my kegels has done justice to my pelvic floor and even after birth it’s in pretty good shape. Still, it was only a matter of time until desperation turned to embarrassment.

So there I was, near Bank station, in the heart of the City with many an office and small, grab-your-lunch-and-go sandwich shop in sight but nowhere that I knew of with a bathroom that would accommodate both me and LLC. Even Starbucks and the like in the City are often small, some without handicapped toilets on the ground floor.

I frantically walked off with no clear destination in mind in hopes of finding somewhere/beating off the urge with motion. Then through my haze of desperation, emerged the golden arches of McDonald's. My eyes lit up and pace quickened. I’m not a fast food lover but McDonald's never looked so good, for in that moment I knew they would have the toilet I so urgently needed.

And they did. On the ground floor, big enough to accommodate LLC’s stroller and it was actually even relatively clean (and I’m also not a fan of public bathrooms).

What it generally lacks in nutritious food, McDonald's makes up for in family friendly practicality, particularly for mamas with babies and strollers in tow. I guess many City establishments cater for their primary customers, City professionals, but that doesn’t help moms on the go like me who often venture into the City.

I never even recognised that my local shopping area has toilets big enough for mama and pram. I never paid attention to the fact that baby change stations are often located in the handicapped bathroom at restaurants and coffee shops. Why would I? But now these are vital nuggets that give me much needed comfort when my bladder decides it has had enough.

So now I take stock of where I can find a mom/baby friendly toilets. Spitalfields has some good facilities. Train stations have locked handicapped restrooms that staff let you into upon request.

For those around London, can you direct me to any other central restaurants/etc other than McDonald's where I can run to when I’ve got to? But for today, I must give the good old golden arches credit where credit is due.

Goodbye Unfinished Business

Like an itch in the middle of my back just out of reach, it nags me. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth, like drinking orange does after I brush my teeth. It’s looming, but simultaneously intangible. It’s unfinished business.

Frustratingly, this unfinished business is a beast of my own creation. When I’m out and about with LLC, I let go and enjoy, but when we’re at home, I find it hard to put my feet up and read a book while she’s happily batting at Pete the Parrot on her play mat.

Instead, I dash off to do the dishes, to hang out laundry, to do my online banking, to fill out a passport application, to clean the bathroom....often simultaneously and subsequently with half-assed success across the board. My perfectly good day ends but I don’t feel completely satisfied; instead I feel this distant sting of unfinished business.

Kelly at A Place of My Own’s recent post about her need to slow down and take things one step at a time so life didn’t get on top of her really resonated with me. I see a way forward – employ my love of lists, keep my goals for the day limited and realistic, then tackle each to-do one at a time. Think glass half full rather than glass half empty.

Our recent vacation was the wake up call I needed.  I slowed down and relaxed; I didn't focus on what I had not achieved; I didn't have a to-do list a mile long; I went to bed feeling more content.  So I returned determined to part ways with dear unfinished business. I want to set a good example for LLC. I want to feel relieved of this self created pressure. I’m ready to slay the beast, or at least not to feed it. And hopefully if I don’t feed it, it won’t grow.

Breaking the Bank

I spent yesterday in Richmond with a good friend who is also on maternity leave. We ate a leisurely lunch by the river and walked along sun-kissed Richmond Green. We chatted with our children and each other. The day felt complete.

I have not always felt that completeness, that contentedness for want of searching for my career calling. It’s a journey I’m still taking but am now more comfortable with. As a new mother, I’m acutely conscious that I must lead by example for LLC. I want to show her where there is a will, there is a way.

*

Like the Richmond riverboats before me
I bob on a sea of contentment
I don’t know what I want to be
When I grow up
But this moment is enough


It wasn’t always this way.


The writing was on the wall
From the job’s location
A high rise building so brimming with stress
It could burst at any moment
Shattering

Attracted by an academic challenge
To take on what I knew not
I ascended my high rise
And reconciled the spreadsheet
Of my days

Little interpersonal contact
Processing, processing, processing
I ate late night jelly
Courted by domestic illusion
Until I took a taxi back to my own bed

A caged animal
Angry, Angry, Angry
If only I hadn’t been caught
Lugubrious and cynical
I became what I am not

I took a wrong turn
I had to escape
To break free
From the numbers
From my bonus

My head shot above water and I panted for breath.

My career is not set in stone
I saw this as a hindrance
But now see this as an opportunity
To pick up my anchor and set sail
With my aspiration & life’s opportunities

*

This post was inspired by Sleep is for the Weak’s Writing Workshop, prompt 1: What life path did you take a few steps down only to realise it wasn’t for you and come running back?

What a Production!

Walks in the stroller used to = sleeping, peaceful baby. Alas, those days are no more.

LLC fell asleep in her pram before I left the house and I made the mistake of delaying my errand-running walk in favor of a mad dash dance with the laundry and dirty dishes. Mission accomplished, I grabbed my jacket and approached my sleeping baby’s chariot only to discover that she was no longer asleep.

No problem, I thought. She’s due a much longer nap than this and once we getting rolling, she’ll be out like a light. And thus my new mummy error…

For roll we did but sleep she did not. With each step I took, her perky little eyes only seemed to get perkier rather than heavy with sleep. Cue small strong kicking legs, head manically turning from side to side and then, then her signature waa waa waa of protest.  I didn't have my camera at the time, but she looked something like this....

I stopped in a coffee shop and fed her once I realized that nap-time was a distant memory as she was due a feed post nap. This calmed her but her contentment proved short-lived for no sooner did I put her back in the stroller than her protests began again.

Geez. If LLC’s not sleeping during our walks she’s usually at least content. She’d been fed, changed and felt the right temperature. What was the matter? I chatted to her in soothing tones. Then I shuddered at the thought of joining the post office during this thunderstorm.

I tilted back the hood of LLC’s stroller and started to talk her through our movements. We’re just nearing the post office little one. Mommy needs to send a couple of packages. Yes, we’re by all the shops. This is where you usually sleep but today you can see all the people shopping. Mama needs you to quiet down when we go inside….

As I spoke her cries softened, only to return at full blast when I discourse. Ayeyeye. So I parked the stroller and picked her up for a cuddle. Instant silence.

Her eyes darted around the high street with hungry curiosity, registering the surrounding action. So I chatted to her more about this scene but then explained I’d now have to return her to her stroller.

Waa Waa Waa. I walked on. Then picked her up. Then put her down only for her to cry again. The cycle kept repeating itself. All she wanted was to be out of that stroller, observing and learning. Unfortunately for her, I couldn’t navigate the post office with packages, pram and baby in hand.

Oh, her spirit! It grows as she does. I’m so happy for that, but it made going to that post office a pretty stressful, embarrassing and trying experience. 

Big Boots to Fill

I got my first Mother’s Day card on Sunday from LLC. Because I’m now a mom, I really am. 

You might be thinking, duh – that has been what you prepared for through ten months of pregnancy. That has been the bread and butter of this blog. And LLC was born nearly seven weeks ago!

I know. But I still have these occasional lightning bolt moments when I emerge from the hectic sea of my day, draw in air and see my amazing opportunity and responsibility as a mother come clearly into focus.

At three or four years, I remember telling my mom that she could give me a bath forever. At the time she begged to differ but I had none of it. I loved my mom. She brought fun, love and learning to my childhood. We created a scrapbook of leaves; we brought all of my stuffed animals into the living room for a day of play before the fireplace; we read Island of the Blue Dolphins and Anne of Green Gables together; she made us snacks of Doritos with cheese….

My mom has put up with me, in my full glory, for my whole life. An ocean now stands between us but our relationship does not waver. Yes, we argue – back then about things like my refusal to go to bed at night; now about the advice that she offers me that I don’t always want - but my love for her remains a constant and this bond grew from my early days.

I hope to sew similar seeds with LLC so she feels this same love for me. Yet this is when I become too much the thinker. For I expect a child’s heart cannot be strategized over but instead won through living and loving. So out comes Chris’ old adage of “move and use,” aka just get on with what you’ve got and the rest will follow. He’s wise, that husband of mine.

Night Owl

My hungry eyes devour the rich mix of words, numbers, vlogs, and pictures on my screen. My brain races to catch up and process the myriad of passion, life and reality bursting from the blogosphere, my email, the news. My hands dance between my keyboard and a pile of tiny onesies to my right that need folding. I’m on the phone with my mom.

I am the antithesis of the dark, still night. Though my eyes are weary and hands dry, my brain has a mind of its own that shuns idleness and propels me into the early hours of the morning.

LLC occupies me by day and I love our days together of singing, reading Chicka Chicka abc, cuddling, meeting up with other mummies & babies….yet I have so much more on my agenda that doesn’t get touched until the stars are shining, I’m yawning and my body should be at rest replenishing energy levels. I probably need to slow down; go to bed earlier; find time to incorporate some of my late night activity into times when the sun is shining, even if just for half an hour.

I feel pressured to keep up with myself - new mom, busy body & mind, inquisitive spirit.

This late night post was inspired by Josie at Sleep is for the Weak's weekly writing workshop, prompt #5,What is making you feel under pressure right now?

Finding our Feet

I guess I’m one of those “need to be there, doing it” people to truly understand the massive wave of love, confusion, tiredness and emotion that is early day parenting. It’s all consuming. The learning curve is steep. There are not enough hours in the day. It is amazing yet exhausting, exhilarating and sometimes frustrating.

After an initial week and a half of cooing with cries reserved for the changing table, LLC “found her voice.” I should have known she’d have a strong one from the start if I’m any model to go by! Last Sunday night this new voice manifested itself in a wave of crying that would not abate. Maybe she missed her grandma and grandpa, who had returned to the USA the previous day. I think she was also beyond overtired and protesting sleep. Her tears brought on my own. We had been coping so well. For the first time in my life as a parent, I felt well and truly out of my depth because I just didn’t know how to help her.

Maybe this was a well needed reality check. On the whole she is such a sweet tempered baby, but all babies cry, it’s their voice. I need to learn how to understand her personality, cues, patterns and listening to her voice is perhaps the first step towards this.  We haven't had another incident like we did Sunday, but she has been more vocal and I'm trying my best to read her and give her what she needs be it food, rest, comfort....

It's hard work but well worth it and I'm very in love.  When she wraps her little fingers around mine and sqeezes my heart skips a beat.

Going against the grain

Like a hesitant child, I dangle my feet in midair off the side of the hospital bed and feel slightly out of my depth. I’m not a child though; I’m 42 weeks pregnant and in keeping with my decision to go with the flow, am at the hospital for my first session of daily fetal monitoring.

I slowly take in the whir of unfamiliar bleeps, pulses and machinery and hope that I’m doing the right thing. I hope when they hook me up their not going to detect something is awry with baby, who thus far appears good as gold, just a bit too comfortable in her uterine home. I hope that maybe I’ll give birth tonight and this henceforth daily process will be restricted to today.

The midwife approaches and straps me up to two sensors; one records the little lady’s heartbeat, one records my uterine activity. I hope you’re okay with this little lady….and hmmm, I wonder if it might pick up the increased cramping and Braxton Hicks-like tightening I’ve been getting? 

I try to read my book but find my eyes keep straying to the monitor, which is printing out my “trace.” When I think trace I think CSI. Man, my mind is all over the shop. Chris has joined me for this appointment and pops his head around the bed to see how I am and to have a look at the monitor. The little lady gives me a kick; it’s comforting to hear her continual heartbeat thump thumping away.

Half an hour later, the midwife reviews my trace and confirms that I appear to have a very active and contented little baby. She also confirms that I’m having regular uterine contraction-like activity, which has got to be a positive sign. I’ll need to come in for monitoring over the weekend on the labor ward. She reminds me to phone in if I feel any decline in fetal movement, but she says all looks well.

Chris and I leave – we managed to get in and out within an hour – score! I’m on my way home for more bouncing on my ball rather than remaining in the hospital for an induction just because I’ve hit the 42 week mark.

I must reiterate that I’m not opposed to induction but have read it can be distressing for baby, particularly if my body isn’t ripe and ready for birth. We’ll have to assess our situation day by day, but I feel confident that we’ve made the right decision.

The further post date I go, the more it will play at my mind that the time is ticking, that my placenta may no longer be optimal and that maybe I should just book the induction. Still I don’t believe that because I’ve now hit 42 weeks that my body will suddenly morph into an inhospitable home for baby. This is why I’ve opted for monitoring, so we can check up on her day by day and hopefully give my body a few extra days to break up her tea party so she’ll come out and meet us.

Christmas Lights, Christmas Lights

Merry Christmas to all plus a day – Happy Boxing Day to those in the UK!

My sister and I always loved spotting all the Christmas lights decorating houses through December. During car trips, we’d turn eagle eyes out our respective windows and shout “Christmas lights, Christmas lights” every time we saw a display.

It’s a shame my attention to lights has diminished with my years....while I still love my Christmas lights, now I struggle to notice things like my car headlights, which I left on during a rainy December 23, draining our car battery and leaving us with a dead car on Christmas Eve – not good news when we were due to drive to the South of England for festivities with Chris’ family. Can I blame poor careless observation on the pregnancy hormones?

Our jump leads were locked in our trunk, which won’t unlock since it’s linked to the car electrical system. With a rising irrational hysteria in my gut, I called Chris at work and left a message for him to call me back urgently. He did, thinking I was in labor. I realized I need to be more careful about the type of messages I leave. He suggested I ask around for jump leads before we called our breakdown service.

So I pulled myself together, wiped my tear stained face and took to our streets in search of a motorist who might have jump leads. Where we live we have on-street parking and our car was parked halfway around the block from our house. I made a few sheepish approaches to people leaving our local shop and/or getting into their parked cars with no joy. I finally knocked on the house in front of my car where I was saved by a kind man with three young children! In little time he had his car connected to ours and soon I had a charged battery and drivable car. He and his wife were extremely friendly and kind; in an area where many of our neighbours look the other direction when we try to say hello, this was a real treat. They exemplified the giving spirit of Christmas. I need to write them a thank you note.

We made it to Dorset for a chilled, family Christmas full of festivity, food, fun and games. Bump has been treated to numerous sweet treats and I feel relaxed. I needed that after the emotional headlight fiasco. In fact, I think this past week I’ve been set off by lots of random little things: a touching TV show, random apprehension as to how I’ll handle parenthood, when I dropped my Christmas mug on the floor and it shattered. I tell myself I’m not cracking up and it’s just that her due date is around the corner and it's normal for me to be a little bit of a hormonal headcase. Right?

But a change of scene and change of pace has proved invigorating, for now I sit, calm, cool and collected. On Christmas I hit the 38 week mark and the little lady should now clock in at about 19.5 inches, the length of a leek, and 7 pounds. After all I’ve been eating, maybe she’s a bit heavier....whoops! She’s been very active and feels like she’s dropping in my pelvis. The whole region feels a bit tender. Good signs.

All we really want this Christmas, this New Year, is our baby, healthy and happy. I’ll keep you posted – not long to go now. For the moment, I’m sitting back and enjoying the bright and brilliant Christmas lights.

Here's the Rub....

I'm 32 weeks pregnant! Wow - only two months to go now (hopefully, provided that she is not running late....). Though I've been charting each week of this journey the imminence of birth hit me today like a brick wall. That sounds bad, but I don't mean it in a negative way. While in the shower I was suddenly enraptured by my swelling tummy and the little person that it holds....a little scared that I still feel I have so much to learn and discover, much of which I probably can't plan for, planner that I am....shocked that it's really truly soon to be three of us day in day out. I can't wait, I am ready and I'm sure Chris and I will be fine. But in this moment the mix of emotions was a bit overwhelming....I lathered my belly and took a deep breath.

My brick wall moment may have spurred me to start reading my Secrets of the Baby Whisperer book by Tracy Hogg. I've heard she is structured and loving but less hard core than Gina Ford who many new parents swear by for routine making. I've only read the first chapter, but her tone and style are conversational and easy to relate to. More on that once I've read more.

I've also started wondering a bit more on random parenting logistics like when babies can sleep through the night without a feed every 2-4 hours and the best way to clean up messy poop - muslin in warm water, cotton wool...and if so which type of cotton wool? (No, I haven't totally lost it!)  I think I'm going to avoid wipes for cost saving and baby skin sensitivity issues but I really don't know what is best.... Like I've said before I'm sure we'll pave our way and find routines and practices that work for us, however, in the absence of really knowing what's best, I'm very open to ideas from experienced moms. Then at least I'll have some starting points to consider and pick and choose from. My wonderings may seem small and ridiculous (they do to me at least) but put them all together and they can be a bit overwhelming too.  Chris says I need to chill and just take things one step at a time.  I know it - sometimes I just get on a roll - I'll blame those raging hormones!

Our lady is now the size of a jicama and is moving around constantly in my belly. She may have less room to stretch out but boy can she wriggle - particularly at night! I just read on Babycenter that it's theorized babies have more control over their movement when their mom's are still at night, thus they take advantage of it! This is no proven theory but I found the reasoning interesting so thought I'd share.

Last but not least, my other odd pregnancy "rub" of the week. Yesterday the crease where my bump meets pelvic area kept really itching. I haven't had issues with itching or dryness but hey, new week, new little ailment. I think the problem may have been exacerbated by my jeans, which hitched to that area via my bump band and subsequently caused my underwear to dig into the crease! Why wear the jeans you ask? Maybe I should have changed but I didn't feel like it....anyway, I found that rubbing a little bit of Vaseline in the crease soothed the itch and kept any irritation at bay. A little tip to try if you're ever caught out with the "bump crease rub!"

Fruit Photo Credit: Babycenter.com

What to Pack Should Be the Least of My Concerns

I've got a little over 9 weeks to go until DD-Day.  Earlier today I started pondering what should be included in and when I should pack my infamous hospital bag.  Yes, I'm still planning a home birth, but packing a hospital bag is like a right of passage for pregnant women.  Even if you plan for a home birth, a hospital bag should still be at the ready just in case.  It's an acknowledgement that your baby is almost in town.  It's a sanity guard for when you're in the heat of labor and need to bust a move for the hospital.

I felt a little bizarre thinking about my hospital bag this early but it's my first time, I have pregnancy on the brain and I want to be prepared. 

Fast forward two hours and I was standing in Boots (aka CVS) grimacing over an aisle of pads and adult diapers.  I saw some Depends but I'm pretty sure that's not what I'm after.....I'm certain that they make specific maternity pads for after the birth, right?  If anyone has any advice here please share.  All the diapers and pads started to blur and then I lost the will, quickly exiting Boots and rolling my eyes that maternity pad shopping is now on my radar.

When I travel Chris usually audits my suitcase to stop me bringing too many things.  He says I like to take my clothes on vacation.  I'm not a fussy dresser, I just like options and tend to be indecisive.  That doesn't bode well for packing a maternity bag that I probably, hopefully, may not need.  Was this going to get stressful?

No!  Leave it to me to create unnecessary stress.  I'm going to stay strong; there are lots of check lists (yay, lists!) out there about what to include in hospital bags and on my walk home from Boots I promised myself that I'm going to take a minimalist approach....I'll tell you how I get on once I actually pack the bag.  Aside from working out where I can get some maternity pads and finding out what the heck arnica actually is, I have most of the things I need and ample time to get organized.

I've also stumbled across a not-so-surprising US/UK difference in hospital bag advice: In the USA diapers and maternity pads are usually provided; in the UK they are not and need to be packed (ahh, the differences of private, pricey healthcare versus NHS no frills).

Aside from the usual suspect advice and items to bring for mama, baby and birthing partner included on most hospital bag lists, here are a few other gems that I've heard.  If you have any other tips, please add a comment!

• Pack 2 small bags - one for labor and one for your hospital stay - this may help you stay better organized
• Remember to pack your glasses; even if you wear contacts, you may not want to wear them through labor
• Pack a pair of flip flops for the shower; if you're a clean freak like me who wears flip flops to the gym pool, this advice was a real winner!
• Bring along some baby wipes or cotton wool for changing your baby; these are not provided by the NHS
• Pack baby nail clippers or an emery board in case your little one has long nails that need trimming
• Pack your Baby Book to jot down all your baby's birth information

Babymoon, Baby Steps

I think my 28 week photos were slightly deceptive in that they didn’t showcase my tub-like state in all its full glory. Here are a couple of 29 week pictures taken from Chris and my mini babymoon break near Oxford this past weekend – my red sweater definitely exposes my bump for what it really is!

This start of third trimester baby break was probably our last pre-baby hotel get-a-way and we thoroughly enjoyed it. We stayed a warm and toasty maze-like old hotel set in the heart of the countryside amongst quaint local villages. The water pressure in the hotel shower, unlike the water pressure in my own shower, was surprisingly amazing, and we ate, drank, ambled and explored at an easy pace. If you're ever in the area of Steeple Aston, check out White Lion pub where you can get freshly prepared food in a friendly, cosy and family oriented atmosphere.  The pub's owners were very attentive and we really hit it off when we discovered they'd lived in the USA for almost 20 years!  With baby’s due date quickly advancing, my head is full of “to do” lists and a break like for just Chris and me really did us good. I switched off from planning and feel refreshed for it. Much to my delight, we even fit in some National Trusting at Waddesdon Manor – you may remember that I love going trusting!

Back to real life, vacations complete, Chris and I are starting to take further baby steps towards preparing our home for our new arrival. We have a number of things we want to get accomplished and we’re trying strike a balance between taking on DIY (which truthfully means Chris taking on DIY since he’s more accomplished in this arena than I am) and having builders come in to help us with some final adjustments. We moved into our house in 2005 and it’s been a continual work in progress.

We’ve got a rough “plan of action” of what we want to achieve and we’re taking baby steps toward checking things off our list. Yes, my lists again! Chris tolerates the lists but he’s not as much of a fan – he’s happier to go with the flow but sometimes I get concerned if we do that we’ll flow into January and be rushing around like chickens with our heads cut off at the last minute. So he’s bearing with the lists and me, and I’m taking a baby steps, not unrealistically long list approach to getting prepared in an effort to not stress us out or inundate us.

Today we had new windows fitted in our Victorian terraced home, a major mission accomplished. We can now wave goodbye to pools of condensation on our sills and rest assured that baby will reside in a warm and draft excluded environment.

Chris is also in the process of building shelves in our hall closet so we have more and better storage space. When that job is complete, we plan to start to transfer some things out of what will be baby’s room and to our new closet shelving.

Then we’ll be in a better position to start fashioning baby’s room/our guest room. I look through these baby catalogues and gape at the fully kitted out baby nurseries featured. They look cute, but expensive, particularly bearing in mind that their décor may fit an infant to toddler but not a growing child. We’re not opting for a full fledged nursery but instead a sturdy pine set of drawers (that we've yet to get - I’ve been scoping out charity shops/thrift stores for a more antique style pine set of drawers – many a little gem may be found in charity shops if you’re willing to hunt) that matches the desk we already have in the room and crib we received. I’m sure we’ll get some cute baby linens and paraphernalia but we’re not going for “ABC wallpaper” or a pinked themed room or a baby cd player since our ipod and/or computer can play music just as well. We've found a baby monitor with a night light and thermometer to kill three birds with one stone. We have limited space to start out with so we need to be selective with what items we opt for.  Again the endless choice available can wreak havoc with my mind but I'm learning to consider options and then say enough is enough.

What am I getting at? As we prepare for our little one, we seek advice on what to get and how to “child proof” our house but are trying to stay true to what works for us – our tastes, budget and home – rather than get roped into what’s on the market and what everyone else may or may not have done.  It's easy to stray from this approach but for me, it brings me home, sane, at the end of the day. Now we just need to keep moving and using one baby step at a time...

Loving the List; Drowning in the Detail; Reconnecting with Reality

This week I've been on a quest to get organized and attend to some baby admin. I keep saying I want to gradually get the ball rolling with making baby purchases, arranging refurbishments at home and sorting out admin like my Health in Pregnancy Grant and official MAT B1 notice at work. Armed with my handy, dandy but lengthy list, my quest for progress began.

Things started on a high note. At my midwife appointment last Friday the nice midwife agreed to pass on my Health in Pregnancy Grant form at our next appointment since I'll then be over 25 weeks pregnant. This one-off, £190 tax-free payment is a "gift" from the Government to help mom's to be with the costs of preparing for a baby. She also gave me my MAT B1 form, which I've now submitted to HR at work in order claim my statutory maternity pay. Statutory UK maternity leave and pay policies for working moms are much more extensive than the narrow and limited American maternity support policies available. In fact, earlier this week the BBC ran a quickie article on a new proposed policy for extending paternity leave, another testament to the flexible support options available in the UK. Catch up USA - for all the talk we ladies receive about education, pursuing our dreams and equality of opportunity, the Government doesn't make it an easy ride for professional moms that want to start a family.

But I digress. I put a big fat CHECK next to "Health in Pregnancy Grant" and "Submit MAT B1 form" on my list.

Next I called the window people, who quoted us earlier this year to redo 3 single glazed windows in our house. This is a necessary job before baby arrives being that last winter our thin windows grew a beautiful green/brown mold and our window sills developed pools of condensation that regularly soaked through hand towels. Yes, we need new windows. Anyway, this company provided a good quote earlier this year so I told the window man I wanted the same price or better, and that we were expecting our first baby and would be getting the job done by his company at the right price, or someone else. So I secured a date for new windows, and a good deal. CHECK next to "Book in window guys!"

Then things took a turn for the worse as the inevitably do when I start to delve into the pits of baby retail therapy. The next items on my ambitious list included "see if bugaboo carrycot fits other Moses Basket stands," "look for a mattress and bedding to fit cot/bed," "look into breast pumps and associated paraphernalia," "decide what items to buy on trip to USA....." and so on. I should have anticipated this would be too wide a net to cast all at once because before I knew it, I was tangled in information overload and struggling to make sense of the myriad of options in all of the above departments. It made me tired and it made my head hurt. There are just so many options when all I want is a simple check list of "what's I NEED and what's the BEST to buy." Forget different strokes for different folks - I want a manual to baby shopping enlightenment!

.....Advent, Madela, electric, manual, cheap, pricey...breast pumps. Should I buy, should I rent, do I need one if I'm planning on breast feeding but want to express milk from time to time? Cot bed mattresses.......why are there like 20 kinds that range in price from £40 to over £200?! Since Lansinoh nipple cream gets rave reviews on both sides of the pond and costs the same in ££ and $$, should I stock up on it while in the USA....should I throw in breast pads while I'm at it?!........

Am I boring you? I was boring and winding up myself. Finally I had to shut the Internet down and step away from all online baby retail options. Since I spread my attentions in so many different directions, I was confused and not able to make any more CHECKs off my list.

I'm like a wind up toy - wind me up and watch me go, then I collapse and then later I'm still and sane again. In the wake of my retail research I had a comforting chat with pregnant B (who is less than a week away now!) and Chris who both let me vent and helped bring me back to reality. Now I feel fine. Yet another ebb and flow of this pregnancy roller coaster. I think my error is that I tend to take on too many things all at once, short circuiting in the process. I think I need to do my research one step at a time, and maybe strike a few "to dos" off my list for the time being. Ayeyeye......

Belly, Blues and Benefits

I'm going to blame the frightening nature of this picture as the reason that it took me so long to get it posted online! Note to self: remember to take belly shot in the morning when freshly dressed and looking put together, not before bed! That's my cat Rico I'm holding. I think he leaped out of my arms about a second after this shot was taken! As you can see, I don't really have a baby bump yet but my waist is inflating.... If you see me every day or know me well, you might notice but I don't think you would if you walked past me on the street. I went to pregnant B's flat on Saturday night and feasted a fantastic dinner, however in the midst of stuffing my face I started to feel really bloated. This sometimes happens now if I eat a lot in one sitting. I suspect this is only going to happen more as my insides get squished together.

When I was walking to the train station after work, I started feeling down. I'm not really sure why. I'll blame it on the hormones. My post-work walk is usually a time for me to peacefully unwind, but today I began reviewing the "administrative logistics" of our post baby life.....the financials, returning to work, child care, etc. All things Chris and I have thought about and planned for, but today it all seemed a overwhelming. Then I remembered that I left our car on the other side of town by a different train station since I went to the dentist this morning. So did I go on longer train ride and get the car, or just head home and hope I could convince Chris to take his evening run to the car to bring it home? Then my phone went dead. Then my work XDA went dead. So I couldn’t call Chris to discuss. Why all this got to me, I don't know, but in the moment, it did. So what did I do? I made a spur of the moment beeline into a candy shop and bought some candy. Ah the power of a cherry truffle. Then I bought a vanilla shake from Burger King. Then I stopped thinking and felt a little better. Then I remembered what I'd just eaten and felt like a pig. I'm not sure why I'm sharing this - I guess it's honest insight into my wacked out thought patterns.....again, I'll blame this all on my raging hormones.

On the issue of financials, I've been doing some research on the financial support options I may qualify for while on maternity leave. Chris and I both work, and even though I should receive statutory maternity pay (SMP) for up to 39 weeks, we'll have a bit of a financial hole where my salary used to be. Here is my quick overview of the financial support available to new moms/dads in the UK. (Looking beyond SMP, paternity pay and maternity allowance). Some or all may apply to you, though note this is my quick digest and full official details can be found by surfing the links below.

* £190 Health in Pregnancy Grant: available to all pregnant moms. Get a claim form from your midwife at your 25 week appointment, ensure the midwife fills out her part of the form and then make your claim as instructed on the form within 31 days.

* Child Benefit: available to all parents with children up to 16, or 18 if still in full-time education. You'll receive £20/week for your first child and a bit less for subsequent kids. You should receive a claim form in the hospital once your baby is born or you can download it online. Make this claim as soon as your baby is born!

* Child Trust Fund (CTF): £250 voucher from the Government that you can invest on behalf of your child. It is for your child only, but can't be touched until they are 18. Once you register for Child Benefit, you will receive the CTF voucher.

* Salary Sacrifice/Childcare Vouchers: You can elect that the first £55/week of your salary can be converted to childcare vouchers free of National Insurance and tax. (You will then pay NI and tax on your reduced salary)

* Child Tax Credit: Paid out if your household income falls below £66,350 for a child under one or £58,175 for children over one. It is based on your household income from the previous tax year, but will be adjusted to account for your reduced salary while on maternity leave (ie, if your income is usually over the bracket but falls under while you are on mat leave, you can make this claim)

* Working Tax Credit: Additional tax credit for families on with low household incomes. More details site listed above for Child Tax Credit.

* Sure Start Maternity Grant: One off payment for families on low incomes. A number of conditions apply that you can read about on this link.

I didn't sign up for language lessons

My visit to Babycenter’s Community Bulletin Board yesterday left me feeling worse for wear. As my old boss once aptly described a hangover, I felt as through my brain had been run over by a piece of industrial machinery. I didn’t expect this feeling in my sober state after a trip to a cosy baby community.

I’ve previously visited the Babycenter bulletin boards briefly and found out some helpful little tidbits. I enjoyed the opportunity to mix with some other pregnant girls who share my hopes, fears, questions, confusion and joys... My main mission for this visit, in fact, was to post a message about this blog in hopes of drawing in some additional readership from those near and dear to its primary subject matter. Mission accomplished, I did some further perusing...

Upon clicking through a host of messages, I began encountering a host of strange terms like "DH" and "DD." What was this? I felt like everyone was privy to some kind of club that I didn't have membership to.... It seemed like the women were sometimes referring to their significant other with regard to "DH" but why.....and what in the world was "AF and "FWIW?" As my confusion mounted, I found more and more acronyms and my headache set in. But now I was hooked and I wanted answers.

Further exploring finally brought me to the 'ABC of Bulletin Board Terms' guide. Hallelujah, I think. At least my ignorance was abated through this guide, a lengthy list of the pregnancy bulletin board terms I'd seen peppered throughout the messages plus many many more.

Seriously? I deal with enough acronyms at work. Why the new online cryptic terminology? Apparently "DH" means "dear husband/partner." "DD" is, can you guess, "dear daughter." "AF" is "Aunt Flow" and "FWIW" is "for what it's worth." Geez, it was like a new language....one that I didn't sign up for....I have enough other relevant things to learn about what is happening to my body, the child I am growing and how I'm going to introduce a balanced little person into this world - not to mention living my regular life - to have time to sit in front of my computer and process all that.

I've decided that bulletin boards may be for some, but I think I'd rather seek advice and wisdom through friends and family and other pregnant ladies I meet rather than subjecting myself to the community bulletin board vortex and its special tongue.

As an aside, I am starting to feel more pregnant. I did have a lot to eat last night, but as I stood in front of the mirror this morning, I decided this was not a food baby I was witnessing but actually the thickening of a proper little bump. I feel like I'm sitting at the apex of a roller coaster and things are just about to really take off.