Extraordinary Breastfeeding - But What About the Kids?

After my now compulsory fix of 'Professional Masterchef' (how did I never discover 'Masterchef' before?!) I managed to catch a chunk of the 'Extraordinary Breasfeeding' documentary. I'm sure I heard rumblings about this portrayal of parents that breastfeed past the age of two in the UK, though I'd never seen the film myself. I'm also sure the content has previously given ample fodder to the blogging and journalistic world and beyond, but here are my two cents as a pro-breastfeeding woman.

I appreciate the benefits, and in my case with LLC the relative ease of breastfeeding, and respect those that choose to do it just as I respect those who can't or don't. Bottom line it's a personal choice in my view.

Having breastfed I also appreciate how it comes to strike a real emotional and bonding chord, whether this is invited / expected or not. I definitely felt a sense of loss when I stopped feeding LLC, but at the same time I felt confident it was the right time for the both of us.

I'm sure many who viewed this documentary found it "disgusting" or "unsettling" by virtue of the fact it showed children up to 8 years old still feeding and a father admitting jealously of his kids as he also liked to be breastfed (and indeed sometimes still did - it was a family activity!).

What I'm in a quandary about is the impact of this well into childhood feeding on the children themselves. I stopped feeding LLC around the time she turned 1 and I do appreciate that for some it's preferable to feed longer until 2 or just after. But once you reach a point where your children actively discuss and will remember the act, for me, it's time to pull the plug.

Children are so impressionable, and I expect the later a mother leaves it to stop breastfeeding, the harder it may become to wean her child off the breast. I'm less concerned that toddler and child feeding breaks social norms, but more curious at how it may lead to unhealthy attachment issues between mother / child. I question whether mothers feeding this late are largely swayed by their own selfish sense of loss at stopping rather than truly acting in their child's own interest.

Once children grow mature enough to no longer request feeding (unless a case of 'Bitty' ensues), how will they feel about the late feeding? Will it just be their norm, or could it really disturb them a bit and make them feel some boundaries were violated. I'm not saying it would definitely be the latter, but it likely could.

It's a sensitive topic and these are only my views. I'm not saying others should feel the same, but I wonder what your thoughts are on the subject?

How much of the England Riot shame starts in the home?

Devastated, disgusted and frustrated. This is my initial reaction to the senseless, barbaric looting and rioting unfolding on my London doorstep and quickly spreading across England like wildfire. It’s horrific to see vibrant city streets crumbling and burning at the hands of, largely, young people without discernable conscience or respect for social order. How else can we explain those willing to crush the homes and livelihood of the innocent by throwing petrol bombs or breaking shop windows with the same ease they’d use to switch off a light? How did things come to this? Were they never taught about values and consequences at home?

The fatal shooting of Mark Duggan in Tottenham by police, still under investigation, proved the catalyst for this mayhem. Yet the root cause of the riots of the last three days runs far deeper than this incident in my opinion. Mark’s peaceful protest gone wrong appears a worrying testament to the latent tensions brewing across the country, poisoning our society and fundamentally blurring the line between right and wrong.

Fortunately the closest I’ve ever come to anti-social youth was riding the train home from work one evening. I was in my early 20s, and with Chris. Two young boys, probably in their early teens, were smoking on the train. It wasn’t the height of rush hour so the train wasn’t packed. A number of us asked the kids to put out their cigarettes. They scoffed. Then they snubbed them out on the train seat, only to light up again. This pattern continued our entire train ride home. Perhaps naively, I was shocked how these boys just did not care. They had no respect for Authority, and that they weren’t supposed to be smoking on the train. They had no respect for fellow passengers. They acted as if they were untouchable, and how dare we even attempt to mess with that.

This memory always stays with me. It reinforced my knowledge that I have to keep my wits about me living in a city; it also worried me and discourages me from attempting to reason with wanton youth, for fear of a worse result than pure scoffing and a face full of cigarette smoke. I don’t believe people in the street should sanction anti-social behaviour by teens and children, but simultaneously stories of people being stabbed for asking youth to stop messing around prove a pretty big deterrent.

So what to do now, now that an unfortunate incident has been blown out of proportion and become an excuse for seemingly bored, angry, frustrated young people to run feral and destroy society in their wake? Undoubtedly the police are working hard at quelling this challenging situation, yet so far they appear a limited disincentive to rioters and that is worrying. Should they be using limited force or tear gas or rubber bullets? Or would this just lead to a portrait of them assaulting human rights? Should the army be called in, as many were suggesting on news boards and in social media?

And what to do with the perpetrators as they gradually are identified and charged? How can we genuinely get through to the “untouchable” to show that their behaviour hurts the innocent and is unacceptable? Some are calling for a re-introduction of a National Service-like programme. Most importantly, how to we rehabilitate more than condemn?  What do you think?

Yes, burning London and England-wide cities are a wake- up call about the ripple effects of poverty, lack of education, gang warfare and survival of the fittest mentalities that run deep in England for which there are no easy solution. But when we strip that all away, and ask how these kids came to be involved in such rioting, I can’t help wondering where their parents are? I know I can’t tar them all with the same brush and that often bad eggs/influences in society may cloud positive family influences but I can’t help feeling shame for these rioting children, and shame for the parents that don’t know where their children are or who won’t chastise their children’s behaviour as anti-social, cruel and wrong.  I'm not talking about dumping their child with social services either - I'm talking about taking some personal responsibility and being involved in a positive way.

I may be speaking out of turn, but how did we reach a point where young people are running rampant destroying English cities? I’m not saying that there aren’t very real challenges in our society that need addressing or that these children and young adults shouldn’t be held directly accountable for their actions. I just wonder why they never learned that for every bit of good they put back into the world they are one step closer to tackling inequity. And that anti-social behavior or rioting or cruelty will only cause hurt, condemnation and more struggles.

These are messages we should all be sharing with our children in hopes that gradually we will collectively generate goodwill, that as part of the bigger picture, will help shift the balance away from the madness of late.


*For a take on why rioters feel like they don't belong to "the community", read Camila Batmanghelidjh
She makes a compelling case for more proactive approaches to social inclusion with fair insights into the anti-society where rioters may be coming from.  I don't feel, however, that this negates personal and in some cases parental accountability for the goings on of late.  Rehabilitation of this mindset is key, just not cheap or easy.

Friday Faux Pas

Today LLC and I were in the park where we last year encountered this howler, but this time the only faux pas on the scene was me.

The children’s play area was nearly empty (hurrah) when we arrived, with only one other mother pushing her two children on the swings. Of course LLC also wanted to ride the swings. This was no issue as this playground has several swings, so over we went and off went LLC, swinging happily away.

And here’s where I made my cardinal error. I attempted to make eye contact and friendly small talk with this other mother on the playground. We were standing directly next to each other. LLC was craning her neck directly towards her two children watching them swing. I didn’t want to exchange life stories, but in the rare relative quiet of the playground it just felt strange to me not to share some basic pleasantries or at least a sympathetic glance with this other woman. Grudgingly she offered me a few words in return but I can take a hint and clammed up pretty quickly.

This is not the first time I’ve had something like this happen to me in England. Is there a small talk line here in the UK that I really shouldn’t cross, although the ‘American’ in me feels compelled to do so? Was she affronted that we also chose the swings near her brood, when faced with an empty rest of playground?  Of course this mother's reticent stance was surely only exacerbated when she heard my accent and probably feared a verbal assault of “Oh my Gods.”  

 Is it that bad to be friendly?

Post-natal Depression - For Dads

This BBC article about father’s suffering from post-natal depression (PND)caught my eye.

My pregnancy/parenting books and updates warned about the signs of PND I might experience as a new mother, but they never said anything about dad’s feeling low. In fact, I maybe naively, never really thought much about how post-natal depression might affect fathers until recent news like this started making headlines.

The emotional / physical / logistical pressures of becoming a mother are pretty well documented but why don’t we talk more openly about the stresses heaped on new dads? Depression can be a taboo topic to discuss, but getting the risk factors, triggers and symptoms more out in the open will surely help tackle the Fatherhood Institute’s worrying statistic that one out of every 10 fathers are depressed both before and after their baby is born.

Dad’s may not bear and birth the baby but becoming their parent will instigate some tricky life shifts. They might feel increased financial pressure. Or feelings of isolation, jealously and then regret as everyone fusses over their partner and child. Or frustration at a compromised emotional and sexual relationship during sleep deprived weeks. They might just want someone to pay their feelings more attention, which may confuse them all the more as, *sweeping generalisation*, men by and large don’t seem as comfortable “outing” their demons and feelings as women.

Fatherhood is exciting, wonderful, challenging.....but new dads need not be stoic about the pressures they face. When I think about our early days with LLC I remember that both Chris and I had our frustrations and we still do. But as a couple, we like to hash things out and I think this helps us sort them out. And while I never dwelled on PND and fortunately neither of us suffered from it, I perhaps should have known the signs for men and more proactively checked up on Chris’ mental health. And for couples that don’t as actively discuss their “issues,” is PND even more likely to be swept under the rug until it trips up one or all of the family?

Knowledge could be preventative, support can be part of a cure; do you think more needs to be done to educate men and women alike about PND in fathers?

Dad’s on Duty: Extended Paternity Leave for UK fathers now in effect

So it’s now official – UK additional paternity leave (APL) is now in force and will allow employees to take up to 26 weeks' leave to care for a new baby, on top of the previous two weeks of ordinary paternity leave.

The Federation of Small Businesses disputes this “one-size-fits-all” approach as being detrimental to small firms, not because it is expensive (this BBC article quotes the estimated annual cost in Britain at £3-15m in total) but because of the extra administrative burden of processing claims and arranging paternity cover.

I see the point here – maternity and paternity leave will now potentially affect more employees and SMEs may be less equipped to deal with this. But in our progressive world where men and women both work, I think increased flexibility that allows parents to share time off work during their child’s first year is a positive step forward. And compared to the USA with its lack of statutory paternity and maternity leave policies, APL only sets the UK further ahead.

What I’m interested in your view on, is how many dads will actually use APL? Will new moms choose to return to work earlier knowing their partner can look after their little one? Or will they want to maximise the time off they get in their baby’s first year to bond, breastfeed, play, mix with other mums/babies rather than hit the office earlier? From a financial standpoint, APL certainly seems more favorable to households where the woman is the primary wage earner. But what if the man is – would taking APLF financially add up?

Women work, stay-at-home dads are now a norm. Traditional barriers are long gone and I applaud this. Still, my honest, selfish, mama instinct tells me I’d be inclined to stay at home as long as I could rather than trade in my maternity leave early for Chris to stay at home unless we really couldn’t afford to do otherwise.

How do you feel?

When Pound Affects Preference: The Rise of One-Child Households in the UK

At what point would finances dampen your desire to have a second child?

According to the Office for National Statistics, over 25% of British children are only-children and this figure has been steadily increasing over the last several decades. The US Only Child website tells a similar story in the USA.

According to Margaret Driscoll’s ‘O Brother, Where art though,’ in The Sunday Times Magazine , “as the tectonic plates of finances and work bump up against the desire for a comfortable lifestyle, something has to give and that something is often the desire for a second child.”

Driscoll’s report alleges that for many middle class parents, a second child would mean surrendering “the so-called good things in life” (foreign holidays, flat-screen TVs) as well as opportunity in itself for their children (not being able to afford to privately educate two kids). (Her examples, not mine). She also asks, in collaboration with white father of 6, middle class researcher Jeff Brazier if British only-children are increasingly cosseted and indulged by helicopter parents.

It's all relative. I would like to have a second child – the desire is there. I would consider our finances before trying to get pregnant again, but mainly to weigh up our ability to adequately provide the basics for a family of four, to afford child care and also transatlantic travel (a forever feature of our lives). But if in our hearts, Chris and I wanted another, I can’t imagine us not going for it for fear of not providing enough for LLC or further reducing our disposable income.   But we don't plan to privately educate LLC and we might not have the newest clothes or flashiest electronic gadgets while we are growing our family.  That's why I guess it depends on where we are all prepared to make sacrifices, though the statistics indicate that for many the cut falls in the baby department.  Where do you stand?

And do one child families breed helicopter parents (hovering over their "fragile" children's every move) and risk aversion.  Probably to some extent by virtue of only children being the central object of their parent's affection, but we can't overlook that parenting approaches are the key issue here, whether a parent has one child or eight. I fear helicopter parenting is becoming more of a generational tactic both in the UK and US, and one which parents at large should sit back and try to put the breaks on, and fast.  Kids need support but also must learn independence and how to advocate for themselves and that trend sadly seems to be declining. 

Blissful Innocence

We live in a crazy world. I look at LLC in her vibrant innocence and I want to protect that forever. I know I can't - that learning is part of living - and that she's got some way to go before her innocence fades. But still. I don't relish that day. Innocence is one of the best gifts of childhood, unappreciated until it has gone.

Along with the rest of the world I've been watching the fallout of the earthquake, tsunami and nuclear debacle in Japan. It's gripping, harrowing, upsetting. The coverage is incessant and I'm brought back to the days when I studied journalism and debated the balance between telling a truthful story and sensational journalism that grates on reader sensitivity. The press is certainly having a field day; lines of reason are blurring. People are fleeing Japan. Americans are buying iodide tablets in fear of nuclear fallout. And following the recent natural disasters near Brisbane and in Christchurch, the world asks "what next?"

What am I going to say when LLC asks me about such things one day? That the "show must go on." Parenting is hard, I think at times like this. How do you help your kids understand without scaring them? I think more about things like this now that I'm a parent.

And while I'm going on about this crazy world, I have to mention how disgusted I was to read the following story in my *shrinks in embarrassment* 'Closer' magazine: 'I inject my girl, 8, with DIY Botox & filler I buy online.' How unbelievably sick and messed up is that? And how scary is it that this woman actually thinks her behavior is normal and right? Not to mention the fact she is dementing her daughter's physical and mental health by this tripe. This particular girl is American but Botox laws (as opposed to guidelines) are quite lax on both sides of the pond and with all the nanny state laws we are subjected to these days, couldn't they do something about things like this instead?

Mama, MD & everything in between

Mothers of today are often harsh critics – of ourselves. Whether we work full-time or stay at home full-time or commit to any of the spectrum of career/ at home options in between, our choices are too often accompanied by a dose of guilt and the need to justify our actions.

Too often mothers working full-time feel the need to explain their decision, as if by returning to work they don’t love their children enough. Mothers who stay at home with the kids find it difficult to describe their “career” and feel urged to validate their intelligence and explain why they are not “working”. Mothers who return to a job part-time often worry whether they are getting the balance right.

Why is the modern mother so often wracked by guilt? On one hand, we’re human and susceptible to some guilt or doubt or frustration over the trade-offs we make. What frustrates me, however, is when society makes mothers feel guilty about the career choices we make. We make them for a reason. It may be for our career. It may be for our happiness. It may be for money. It may be for our peace of mind. It may be for any or all of the above and it will be different for each of us.

The important issue, as I see it, is healthy debate with ourselves about the choices that we make to ensure they are the right ones. The ones that make us tick. The ones that empower us to unleash untapped potential rather than feel trapped, as Holly at It’s a Mummy’s Life recently blogged about.

When I see a mother pursuing her chosen “vocation” with conviction and happiness, I’m inspired. When I see a mother who has thrown off the shackles of pre-conception in society for a career path that she wants/needs to do, I say hurrah.

As long as we’re putting some good into the world, why does it matter whether we wear a mama or a professional hat by day? We’re all mothers and love our kids at the end of the day. And when our children look to us as role models, they are sure to be more inspired by women who pursue decisions with confidence rather than express doubt about ourselves and the choices we make.

Hot off the Press

One’s hot, one’s warm and one’s more tepid, but all are pregnancy/mommy stories in the media that caught my eye.

First, today’s report about introducing carbon monoxide tests on all pregnant women. The National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence suggests that exposing the elevated levels of carbon monoxide in smokers' systems will show them the error of their ways; The Royal College of Midwives (RCM) opposes the idea as a non-supportive, guilt-inducing practice. While I think expectant mothers could do with the wake-up call, I doubt this test would really make a difference to already smoking pregnant ladies. I’m more concerned about financial implications; in light of yesterday’s emergency budget, how would this monitor be paid for?

Next, Lorraine Candy’s article in The Mail about the plethora of conflicting studies on pregnancy and motherhood and the maternal guilt that these generate. This excerpt sums it up:

“I think we have fallen prey to battered mother syndrome, where we're bullied into believing everything is our fault. Quite frankly, if a headline read 'women who wear kitten heels have dwarf babies' we'd believe it. “

I’m definitely “thinker” who is all about knowledge being power, but since delving into the black hole of pregnancy and parenting studies over the last year, I’ve realized it is important to take this “advice” in small doses, consider my personal situation and keep things in perspective so I don’t waste spend my time worrying rather than enjoying LLC. This is sometimes easier said than done.  Do you think today’s society fuels maternal guilt and are you a victim?

A couple of weeks ago the BBC ran ‘Is that woman Pregnant or Fat,’ which discusses how many commuters don’t offer their seat to pregnant women for fear of offending someone who is instead overweight and shares tips for “identifying” pregnant women. This identifying list seemed a bit ridiculous, as most of the “pregnant symptoms” could apply to those who are overweight as well. The comments provide some interesting reactions, but mine is, as I determined while commuting pregnant, that if pregnant women want a seat, they should simply ask for it as should anyone else who is unwell. Sure, it would be nice if commuters offered but they may not for a host of reasons (their head is buried in a book, they’re not sure if you really are pregnant, they just don’t care, you're not displaying any physical signs of fatigue) and if you don’t ask, you may not get.  Drama averted.  Would you agree?

Are London Maternity Services Really That Bad?

Chris turned my eye to this article in Wednesday’s Evening Standard that showcases the inadequacies of London’s maternity services for birth and suggests growing numbers of average pregnant ladies (i.e. non “new age hippies”) now resort to DIY home births for fear of over-medicalized hospital births.

It’s a long, rambling article so to summarize:

• Mothers do not get one on one care: Soaring birth rates, a shortage of trained midwives and clinical-minded, controlling consultants result in a lack of support and choice for women (particularly older mothers). 
• The Association for Improvements in Maternity Services (AIMS) claims London has some of the most interventionist hospitals in Britain.
• A recent investigation by the Conservatives found that more than four in 10 NHS hospitals have refused to accept expectant mothers at least once last year.
• Labour’s women-centric vision of childbirth featuring choice and continuity of care have fallen down; parenting charity the NCT claims just over 7% of women in the capital give birth how and where they want.

Wow. On this basis, I’m shocked that we haven’t seen a mass exodus of pregnant women from the capital. Maybe they are all just giving birth at home instead?

I’m no “new age hippie” but I did plan for a home birth, decide to be a natural birthing warrior and criticize the ambiguity around the closure of the home birth providing Albany Midwifery Unit, cited in this article.

Yet I still feel that there is a huge middle ground between a completely natural home birth overseen by an attentive midwife and a completely medicalized and/or clinical hospital birth with little aftercare and support. This article oscillates between the two extremes. I think that’s a bit misleading.

My birth plan didn’t go to plan: I ran overdue and requested daily monitoring rather than induction; was finally induced at 2 weeks 5 days post dd when my blood pressure spiked; I had some “medical intervention” at the hands of a consultant when LLC’s heart rate fluctuated during birth. Yet I delivered a healthy baby; I felt the midwives and doctors considered my wishes; sure, they could have spent a bit more time post-birth helping me learn to breastfeed but overall, I couldn’t fault my care.

I have met many other new mums whose birth plans have not played out in reality (it seems they rarely do), who have some complaints but overall had a positive birth experience. Yet our voice is glaringly absent from this article. Not to mention the voice of the many women that prefer to give birth in a hospital and have no interest in home birth.

The article shows little discretion for how women can proactively improve their birth experience. Women must ask questions and be their own advocate when it comes to maternity care. If I hadn’t asked for daily monitoring, I would have been induced as a matter of course at 42 weeks. I learned in retrospect I could have given birth in a neighboring mid-wife led birthing unit if I had requested this even though this option was not offered to me. There are definite gaps in ante-natal service choice and information, all the more reason why women must ask or they won’t get.

The article also courts political drama. The Conservative report that women have been turned away from certain maternity units is a problem, but would it not be worse if maternity wards took women into care with no staff to accommodate them?

There may be truth in many of this article’s assertions. The issues run deep and I'm not belittling the problems that exist. But does it take it too far? Are London maternity services really that dire? Have you given birth in the capital and if so, what was your experience?

CyberMummy Here I Come

I didn't understand the massive scope of the blogosphere when I began blogging.  I naively didn't recognize the force that is the parent blogging community on both sides of the Atlantic.

This was probably a good thing to start, as it allowed me to actually start writing and blogging rather than spend hours delving into other blog content.  I re-discovered my writing and established a blogging rhythm of some sort.  And then I stepped off the deep end into the blogosphere.  It's been a thought provoking and inspiring leap. 

The 2010 CyberMummy Conference is a testament to the UK parent blogging tribe that I now mix with.  It's an opportunity to talk blogging, exchange tips with and meet the characters behind my Google Reader.  I really wanted to attend yet at £100.00/ticket the price was a bit steep for my maternity leave budget.  

You can thus imagine my excitement when Huggies contacted me out of the blue and offered to sponsor my pace at CyberMummy.  I've graciously accepted and look forward to this eye and mind opening event.  Thank you Huggies.

Every Little Bit Makes a Difference

I promised to post on another topic rather than my labor waiting game, and today would like to share a post from Heather at Notes for Lapland highlighting a much bigger issue: the Bloggers for Haiti ShelterBox campaign started by English Mum for survivors of the traumatic earthquake that rocked Haiti last week.

Sitting in my South London home, it’s hard to imagine the entire fabric of my life and that of hundreds of thousands of my neighbours being ripped to shreds in an instant by forces of nature. Unfortunately in this crazy world natural disasters like this do happen, and as we all know, did just happen in Haiti.

I’m not currently rolling in dough but every £1 and $1 donated for towards this effort will make a difference and I will be making a donation tonight.  Lately I've been thinking a lot about the responsibility of giving my little one a solid start in life; herein lies an opportunity to help give a another person further from home another much needed start.

Hear Hear to the blogosphere for spreading the word about this valuable effort. Tons of bloggers have made similar posts; please continue to spread the word/make a donation if you haven’t already!

More specifics about the ShelterBox are below; to donate please visit the Bloggers For Haiti JustGiving page. 


A ShelterBox

Each box costs an average of £490 including all materials, packing, storage and distribution to individual recipients worldwide. Based on six months use only this equates to 27 pence per person per day.

Shelter
At the heart of every ShelterBox is a ten-person tent. It is custom made for ShelterBox by Vango, one of the world’s leading tent manufacturers, and is designed to withstand extreme temperatures, high winds and heavy rainfall. Internally, each tent has privacy partitions that allow recipients to divide the space as they see fit.

A smile
Every box contains a children’s pack containing drawing books, crayons and pens. For children who have lostmost, if not all, their possessions, these small gifts are treasured.

Warmth and protection
In addition to the tent, the boxes contain a range of other survival equipment including thermal blankets and insulated ground sheets, essential in areas where temperatures plummet at nightfall. Where malaria is prevalent mosquito nets are supplied, as well a life saving means of water purification. Water supplies often become contaminated after a major disaster, as infrastructure and sanitation systems are destroyed, this presents a secondary but no less dangerous threat to survivors than the initial disaster itself.

Self sufficiency
A basic tool kit containing a hammer, axe, saw, trenching shovel, hoe head, pliers and wire cutters can be found in every box. These items enable people to improve their immediate environment, by chopping firewood or digging a latrine, for example. Then, when it is possible, to start repairing or rebuilding the home they were forced to leave.

Fit for purpose
Every item is durable, practical and brand new. The box itself is lightweight and waterproof and has been used for a variety of purposes in the past - from water and food storage containers to a cot for a newly born baby.

A heart to the home
A key piece in every box is either a wood burning or multi-fuel stove - that can burn anything from diesel to old paint. This provides the heart of the new home where water is boiled, food is cooked and families congregate. In addition, there are pans, utensils, bowls, mugs and water storage containers.

Adaptability
We keep a broad range of equipment in stock so we can adapt the contents of a box to a specific disaster. For example, following the Javanese earthquake in 2006, when some resources were available locally or could be salvaged from one storey buildings, the overwhelming need was for shelter – so we just sent tents, packing two in each box.

Donating couldn't be easier. Simply go to Bloggers For Haiti JustGiving page.

Politicians Go Loco

I got a real kick out of The Sunday Times’ 'Daddy knows best' article about Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg infuriating parenting expert Gina Ford by calling her strict routine parenting approach “absolute nonsense.”

How ironic. Extracting a real opinion from a politician is usually as effective as beating your head against a brick wall, so it’s stunning that Clegg made this honest dish without blinking an eye – or considering the affect it might have on the 2 million voters who swear by Ford’s routines.

I haven’t read Ford’s The Contented Little Baby Book. In line with Clegg’s criticism, it sounds too rigid for my tastes. Thus far, I’ve stuck with Tracy Hogg’s Baby Whisperer book, which advocates a more fluid but structured daily routine for baby. Who knows if Tracy’s advice will work for me; what does work for me might not work for the next mom; it’s all a matter of personal choice really. As The Times quotes Ford: “We live in a democracy, and parents are entitled to choose whatever style of parenting they wish.” I couldn’t agree more.

While I applaud Clegg for sharing a real opinion, he probably put another nail in his political coffin by doing so through his brazen lack of tact. Whatever happened to middle ground?

Meanwhile the nanny state reared its head in Scotland, where Glasgow City Council has ordered that children under 16 (not 6, not 8, not even 10 but 16!!!) must be in sight of their parents anywhere on licensed premises, including in the lavatory. Restaurateurs by and large abhor the decision but are worried about losing their licenses if they don’t comply with it.

Has the City Council gone loco? I’m sorry, but I don’t want to bump into a 15 year-old boy in a Glasgow loo while I'm relieving myself or even freshening up because he’s out for lunch with his mama and needs her to take him to the toilet. More so, how embarrassing for him!

Clearly The Sunday Times kept me entertained today while I continue to wait for our little lady to come on out....

Due Date Tomorrow but No News Yet....

I just finished my second cup of raspberry leaf tea for the day. I read about its uterine stimulating qualities in one of my pregnancy updates and kept meaning to buy some. I didn’t get around to it until earlier this week, so hopefully I’m not too late to reap its supposed rewards!

I know that less than 4% or so of babies are born on their due date. Still, I can’t help the emotional and mental attachment I’ve developed about tomorrow....it has been my lighthouse on the horizon, the destination circled in red on my pregnancy map, the day that I’m expecting to meet my baby.

I’ve been known to say “never expect anything.” Now is about the time I take my own advice. I feel like a ticking bomb that could go off any moment. Hopefully this tea will help! Friends also have suggested a mix natural labor inducing activities like cuddling, hot curry, sex, walking, climbing stairs, castor oil and, ahem, ingesting semen... Suffice to say, some of these suggestions are more appealing than others! Anyone else have any others to share?

It also doesn’t help that the recent cold front has turned my road to a solid sheet of ice and left me housebound. You know I like to get out and about in some respect daily and this weather is totally cramping my style....not bringing on period-like labor cramps....grrrr. But I’m not stir crazy or anything....just a picture of calm. I’m certain the oxytocin must be flowing. I told Chris this weather will most likely secure our home birth but that he may be doing the delivery if the midwives can’t get here in time. But maybe I shouldn’t joke about such things...

Meanwhile, Chris and I are not the only ones in suspense. Calls, texts and emails are rolling in daily from family and friends wishing me well and asking about progress. Thank you everyone – I wish I had exciting news to share but as of now, I don’t. I will keep you posted, I promise.

So home alone, I chat to the little lady and encourage her to make herself known. I’ve let her know she may be real cozy in there, but that she’ll still be close to me once she comes out. In fact, LH shared this Times 2 article with me on the benefits of baby slings, which we both have and are excited about trying out. Interestingly, the article also discusses the popularity of sling movement in the USA alongside its growing popularity here in the UK. Provided Chris and I can get ours strapped on properly, I’m hoping our Sleepy Wrap (pictured) may prove soothing to our little lady. So far she’s not buying this argument but I’ll keep on trying and maybe she'll come out to play.

Birth Choice Pulled into the Political Playground

Pre-election campaigning kicked off full force in the UK as we entered 2010 and the Tories promise “real childbirth choice” as one of their political selling points.

Today the BBC reports on Conservative leader David Cameron’s bid for new maternity networks that would supposedly better link local childbirth services and better meet mothers’ needs. This feature comes as part of wider plan for improved NHS services without spending cuts.

Both Labour and the Liberal Democrats question the Tories spending promises, but without entering the full political fray, what I see as interesting is the Tories’ attempt to capture the mummy vote by promising rather ambiguous plans for improved childbirth choice as one of their campaign features. In fact the BBC article highlights the Royal College of Midwives as saying service changes were already underway and the Conservative offerings appear no drastically different.

Get ready for some questioning about this Cameron – I think mums are a bit too smart to be conned by campaign mumbo jumbo that looks sweet but lacks substance. Let’s have a bit more detail please!

"Secret Report" Leads to Axing of Home Birth Group

The home birth may be slowly growing in popularity and availability here in the UK, yet it's still considered risky taboo for many and scare stories like this highlighted by The Times don't help its case.

The Albany practice, an independent South London midwifery group specializing in home births has had its contract terminated by the NHS because of a confidential report suggesting it had ten times the normal rate of babies born with serious complications like brain damage.

Yet experts, Albany advocates and government figures alike have raised concerns over the confidentiality of this inquiry and why it was not carried out in conjunction with the Care Quality Commission, the health regulator.

King’s College Hospital commissioned this report and claims that its findings do not equate with an anti home birth stance but rather the need for closer monitoring of midwifery services. Yet details of the "serious shortcomings" identified and comparative assessment of birth rates between Albany and other midwifery practices are glaringly absent, and create a transparency gap that undermines the very nature of the report's findings.

It's crucial that NHS and contracted home birth midwives follow strict due diligence and safety protocols. When they do, it's been shown the home birth can be a fantastic experience. Shortcomings should be identified and rooted out, however the key here is identification and transparency. Axing a leading midwifery service over ambiguous failures only serves to scare and rile up the masses.

Pregnancy Courts Debate

Pregnancy is smitten by debate. Pregnancy is a sucker for debate. Pregnancy just can’t get enough of debate.

And that’s usually okay with me, for as pregnancy courts debate I am encouraged to think laterally and broaden my perspective. Only occasionally when the debate in question concerns copious baby retail options (i.e. what are the relative merits of baby mattress types?....gag me and fast!) or the sweeping scythe of the nanny state do I want to bang my head against a wall and renounce all deliberation as painful and/or confusing and/or insane.

Today debate was so “hot to trot” that pregnancy managed to finagle two dates. I’d like to share the details and my take:

Debate #1: A Council in Wales hands out pink badges to heavily pregnant ladies so they can bag favourable parking spaces. An online news blogger decries this as yet another policy that will be abused. 

My father-in-law brought my attention this afternoon’s BBC Radio 2 report. I can’t find anything in print on this story, so please let me know if you can. Without more information it’s hard to pass judgement, but my gut instinct is that walking an extra 50 extra feet might do a pregnant woman good. Badges like this most likely would be abused unless monitored, which I don’t see as the best use of Council resources.

Debate #2: Are Doula’s “helping hands or stepping on toes?” The BBC today reports anaesthetist Dr Abhijoy Chakladar’s view that the increasing trend of women hiring doulas (birth assistants that offer emotional support before, during labour and postnatally) is a side effect of lapses in midwifery care that often hinders clinical decisions by disturbing the relationship between the mother and medical team.
 
I beg your pardon? My understanding is that doulas offer mothers and their birthing partners emotional support and encouragement in preparation for and through birth, as well as during the early days of parenthood. Doulas are not medically trained and unlike midwives, are not responsible for the physical care of the woman through her birth. While it’s important that doulas don’t overstep this boundary (and perhaps some do), to suggest that their presence upsets the clinical side of birth wreaks of practitioner speak to me! Many women hire doulas to develop firm emotional support and coping strategies that help them approach labor as naturally as possible and don’t want a clinical birth. Doulas should not be berated for helping women participate actively in their birthing experience - having said that, should medical care be needed, it is not their place to argue with practitioners but to support their client through whatever shape the birthing experience takes.

Dads in the Delivery Room: Delightful or Disastrous?

Today the BBC brings to light French obstetrician Michel Ordent’s view that dads should NOT be in the delivery room during the birth of their children as they are likely to be more of a hindrance than a help in the birthing process. The French doc shuns the notion championed by US doctor Robert Bradley that a husband’s presence during labor provides his wife with much needed support and solidarity. He even suggests that an anxious male partner will make a women tenser and increase her likelihood of ending up with an emergency Caesarean section!

Oh ye of little faith Dr Ordent! While not all men want to be present at the birth of junior (celeb chef Gordon Ramsay for example) there are loads out there who want to actively participate in the life changing experience that is birth to the extent that they can. And although the c-section rate has risen over the last several decades, this is more likely a side effect of our increasingly litigious and medicalized society that features older moms and women who struggle with obesity.

On Babyworld, midwife Catharine Parker-Little suggests that women talk openly with their partners during pregnancy to gauge their true opinions about attending the birth - and not to lay on a guilt trip if they decline. I couldn’t agree more. Rather than make sweeping generalizations about whether men should be in delivery rooms, we need to talk it out with our guys. Do they want to be there? If so, do they want to be down “the business end?” If not, who can better offer moms support?

Chris can’t wait to be there for the birth of our daughter – look at him with Rico – he’s a natural! But since I’m one to lay things on the table, we’ve had the birthing “talk” to different degrees over the course of my pregnancy. I’ve tried to condition him to the idea that he’ll see me in pain, that we’ll both ride an emotional rollercoaster, that he may be subjected to some grim and gore like blood, poop, placenta and stitches.

Yesterday we went to our NHS Labor and Birth ante-natal class that featured a short film showing a labouring woman taking gas and air on a birthing ball. Afterwards one of the husbands admitted that the image made him feel nauseous, and that he was “going to take some quiet times to come to terms with all that labor may entail.” We shared a laugh about this, but props to that guy and his wife for preparing for birth as a unit. He might decide to attend his child’s birth, he might not, but they were in the learning together.

From our chats, Chris is on board and prepared to be my labor partner, coach, advocate and rock. He hopes to cut the cord and be as active a participant as possible, partly why we’ve opted to attempt a home birth.

Tonight we had our first couples NCT class, which also featured the first stage of labor, including the need for a woman to relax and let her oxytocin (hormone of “love” that causes uterine contractions) flow while in labor. As a birth partner, the man is instrumental to this process; if he gets in a flap, it’s likely to kick off his wife’s adrenaline, which counteracts oxytocin production and slows labor. I hope Chris is by my side throughout labor, but learning like this helps us both recognize that it depends how he feels in the moment and if he’s able to give off positive energy in the face of his own apprehensions. If it all gets too much and he needs a breather, we accept that.

So Dr Ordent, you can take your study and shove it! Whether a dad is a birth partner should be an individual choice – not a given but not ruled out either. It’s up to couples to do their research and make the best decision for them.

Parenting Trials - Prepare to be Judged

As promised here are my 30 week pictures - a close up of bump and shot of T&D and me during our weekend explorations.  T&D live in Holland and T tells me that home birth is very common and accepted there.  Following my research into the differing views on home birth in the US and UK, I was interested to hear of another Western country that champions home birth.  T, if you have any more information to share on this point please add a comment!

I was interested to read Kate Harding of Salon.com's comments on this story about a mother who was booted off a Southwest Airlines internal US flight with her 2-year-old because he wouldn't stop shouting "Go, plane go!" and "I want Daddy!"  Looking at and beyond this specific incident, Kate both suggests that parents have a responsibility to act like adults and proactively encourage appropriate behavior from their children in public BUT that sometimes even parents' best efforts are in vain and in those instances the greater public needs to understand and accept that kids are kids who can't always be reasoned into socially "correct" behavior.

I initially read this story because Chris and my transatlantic life is going to involve frequent plane travel and I'm anticipating needing to develop a bag of tricks for soothing an infant, then toddler then child when we take to the skies.  We are aware that confined spaces at 30,000 ft and screaming children are not an ideal combination, and I'm sure we'll do our best to make our journeys smooth for our family and our fellow passengers.  From this story's headline, Southwest's actions seemed pretty harsh at first glance; but then again, I wonder how much this mother did to soothe her little screamer?....

Little children attract attention, for themselves and for their parents.  They often can't be reasoned with and don't conform to social norms so I'm prepared to become less inconspicuous as a parent than I am now (or than I was before passers by started clocking my pregnant belly).  I don't know how I'll deal with this but I expect I probably won't have time, energy or the focus to really care, but I do agree with Kate in that parents need to be adults and encourage decent behavior from their kids.  If my little one is screaming in the middle of a supermarket and I'm more concerned with what brand of oatmeal to buy than quieting her, I will probably deserve dirty looks.  In fact, I'm sure I've dished out those same looks to women who ignore their crying kids and barge through crowded train stations running over people with their weapons, aka strollers!  But on the other side of the coin, if parents are genuinely trying to soothe their tantrum-throwing mite in the corner of a restaurant, I think fellow customers should cut them some slack.

As at parent every day is going to be a journey and trial, at home and in the public eye.  Chris and I are gearing up to enter an arena where everything from vaccinations to bathing to blankets to transatlantic travel will be debated and often judged, and we're just going to have to get on with it through all this white noise.  Having said that, I do feel it's important that parents act like parents and set some boundaries for their little ones whether at home or out in public.  As long as we are trying, hopefully others will recognize that and not be too harsh in their judgements!

Attack of the Nanny State

This story about Watford Council banning parents from adventure playgrounds really takes the cake.  Mix Ofsted's regulation that only adults with cleared criminal background checks can be allowed near children with over-literal and over protective local government and wah-la!, an inane and impracticable policy such as this is born.

Sadly our world has some sick people out there that prey on children and while we should all be aware and take care, we can't become immobilized by these unsavories by introducing disproportionate laws like this that suggest we're all potential paedophiles.  Limiting supervision to a couple of licensed carers could confuse kids, limits one on one supervision and takes away the simple delight of a parent's day out at the playground with their kid.

I hope this law gets canned in Watford and doesn't spread because I don't want to miss out on pushing my daughter on a swing or helping her climb a jungle gym because of the rise of the nanny state.